If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever...

I walked to the graveyard today. I needed some snowy air, and thought I would go visit a friend I have neglected. With a foot of snow over the entire graveyard, a graveyard filled with flat graves, I knew it was going to be a little work to find my friend. I had the general vicinity of his grave in my mind, but its been some years now, so I couldn't be sure. So I began wiping off each headstone.
I have always loved cemetaries. They are so beautiful and full of life to me, even though I guess it would seem to be opposite that.
Grave after grave I cleared without success. I cleared one. His name was Sean. He was born the same year as me. I wondered out loud if I knew him. As I cleared the space of his last name, ah, yes. Sean. He was my childhood friend. I remembered his unique voice and his cute smiley face. I remembered one time a friend of ours told me that Sean had a crush on me. I told our friend that he had better keep that information to himself if he wanted me to still talk to him. (yes, even in elementary school i had the rage)... I remember that same friend telling me sometime after high school that Sean had fallen into a river, and they never found him. That specific memory has always seemed like a lie to my brain. Surely Sean simply went to college on the east coast somewhere, married some lovely gal- and has a start on a family. But I found him today, so I guess at least part of that memory was truth.

It was weird to be looking for one friend and to find another in a graveyard down the street from my house.

I kept clearing headstones. One after the other. Then I wiped one clean that had a photograph on it. I didn't need to read the name. Jeremy. He had been a boyfriend of mine one summer, when I was in junior high. He lived across the street from my friend and he was so cute. I think our relationship consisted of me going over to his house and us standing within a 10 foot radius, awkwardly trying to think of something clever to say. I remember one time talking to him on the phone. I had gone to the horses with my dad earlier that day, and while I was there, I decided i was going to catch me some frogs. I took off my shoes and socks and waded out in the muck and mud. I don't remember if I caught any frogs or not that time, but what I do remember is I got sooooo sick afterwards. I assumed then that it was from mesquito poisoning, because as I spoke to Jeremy on the phone I counted for him my bites. 37 on one leg. Over 50 on the 2 legs combined, and we were looking at close to 70 mesquito bites if we included my arms too. He cooed at me on the phone how he wished he could help me feel better. I think I dramatically said something like, "No, you can't see me, I look like a monster" I think his cooing did help me feel better. I also think that it probably was less the mosquitos and more the manuer-giardia-malaria-garbage infested muck that I crawled through all day that got me sick.
Jeremy got sick when I was in high school and died the year I graduated. I knew he had gone. I just didn't know he was there.

I didn't really feel like clearing more headstones. I didn't want to find anymore of my missing. I highly considered giving up. But then I saw it, under a small tree, all by its lonesome. A small marker with a little red truck left on top. At last. Travis. Died from injuries from a long-boarding accident. I remember we called him to see if he would come to dinner with us-but instead we went to the hospital. I remember spending spring break in ICU waiting room. They gave him a blessing that told him he could choose to stay or go. I guess he chose to leave for the next morning he was gone. That was the day I moved out of my house, also the day I decided to learn how to long-board. Travis was a random friend that just happened to be one of my favorites. Sometimes life seems more surreal then truthful.

My visit to the graveyard reminded me of a few things, worth noting as I have been fighting the weight of the world lately.
Life feels long. But its short.
Life feels hard. And it is.
But life is so beautiful-and gone before you know it.

One of the graves of a wife who passed before her husband read, "If love could have saved you, you would have lived forever."

Life is indeed ...beautiful.

Floating

Ok, I realize its been almost a year. Its been a crazy year to say the least. I don't even know if anyone checks these anymore, but now that I am not teaching a computer class, and I don't have to stare at computers all day- I'm thinking I am going to try to have a few interesting things to say here.

Todays topic: Floating.

The boy I am madly in love with, got me a gift to a "Float Spa" a while ago. I have always had good intentions of using them, but... so busy. However, these past 2 weeks have screamed to me that I needed a little R&R. So I went.

What is a float spa? Good question. You go. They put you in a "pod" that is filled with super salt water, to mimic the density of the Great Salt Lake or the Dead Sea. In that these two bodies of water are MY FAVORITE PLACES for water fun... I was all about the float. So you get in, you're all by yourself, you close the lid... and the music kicks in. Then the ambiance lighting proceeds to shift and change as you try to calm yourself down, and then when you get brave enough, you hit the lights. After a few minutes the music stops and for a FULL hour you are floating in blackness. The temperature of the water is the same as your body so after a little while you can't feel anything anymore. Complete sensory deprivation. They encourage you not to move at all, so that your body can REALLY relax... but... its kind of too fun to stay completely still, your floating in a POD in the Pitch Black! Then before you know it the music comes back on and its time to rejoin the world.

I think my hair weighs 113lbs when wet. I've never noticed before because i always wear swim caps when in water.

They say that floating helps you sleep.

I will tell you this.

Last night, my dreams were more vivid then I have ever seen, and I have had some vivid dreams. They were in fast forward, although I was aware of every single moment. Even stranger was I could hear my conscious mind talking commentary underneath the dream. ex, " the glass staircase represents the trial you are undertaking right now, and the fact that you spilled food on it, on your way up, expresses your fear that it will take a Long time to get through. Your parents are at this party because you know that they are trying to look out for you. .... etc etc etc" just an ongoing interpretation commentary. Then, the strangest part of ALL of my dreams, because I woke up multiple times... i woke up laughing. I woke up, because my stomach was cramping because at the end of each of my dreams I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe.

I like floating.

I recommend it.

ok... my life

I've decided that I want to tell you about my kids. Since i've lived in arizona I have loved my kids. They have been awesome, hilarious, and strong every year. I think though its been really hard for me to let go of provo and my boys, and harder to allow myself to acknowledge that I care about these little crazy's. Its been really hard to teach in a computer lab instead of an artroom, and really hard to teach the same class all day, all year, when i was so used to 3 or 4 different subjects that changed every semester. Anyway... i think I might finally be calming down in my heart, or getting the swing of things, or... who knows... any number of things... but life is starting to feel... nice.

Anyway, the point of this... We have just finished up the LONGEST, LARGEST project I have ever given students. It lasted 2 months plus a few... EVERY one of my kids has been working their GUTS out with the project! Its been amazing... and these are my life right now, and this is who I am proud of, and this is what I want to share with you guys....

We have been making quilts. They were required to make 4 different quilts squares about themselves. Each quilt square had a specific theme: My Past, My future, How I see me on the inside, and how others see me on the outside. Other then expressing the theme they had full creative reign. To listen to them talk about their squares, and why they did what they did, and what this or that represented, was amazing. So you will look, and you will see cool art, but if you look closely you will start to see the layers and if you look deep you will catch a glimpse of my babies. All of them (even the tough ones) put such sincerity in... I'm just so proud. And when we looked at them as a class, I would ask them questions, and then let one of the other kids ask a question or two about what something meant, or why they did this or that, and ALL of their answers were so intense, and honest and... like i said... awesome.

anyway, enough blabbing.

Class Website

Not all my students have posted them up yet... but if you look to the side you will see their names and those links will take you to their portfolios...

a few favorites: brittany, megatron, denise, elia, james, tae, lea, isabel, justin, javontay, devon, patrice, kyle, karla, . . . like i said, these are just a few... I'm actually in love with all of them. and if you want to see mine they are on the link "the post page"

Look and enjoy... but maybe if you want to leave a comment, leave a comment here.... not there... because i think they would all feel very self-conscious if they knew you were looking, and because I don't want them to have any way to find this specific blog.

This is my job.